This has been a difficult semester for me, emotionally.
I think some of what I’m struggling with is disappointment. Consciously, I don’t think I expected much. Subconsciously, I think I was expecting a lot more than what I’ve been getting.
See, I never wanted to go to college for the sake of going to college. I only wanted to go if I wanted to learn something in specific. And I, in specific, wanted to learn to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I didn’t realize exactly how much I was looking forward to learning until I realized how little I would be taught, reminded once again that the only thing college is really good for is a piece of paper that said you went, and the line on your resume saying so.
Although we have been tested nearly every time we inhale, we aren’t really learning. At least, we aren’t learning efficiently. The teachers say to us “When you get to clinicals, you’ll be surprised at how much you know.”
But I’ve been working on weekends, and that is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because I am still learning so much there. A curse, because I can see how poorly I’m being taught and how little I’m learning at school. A blessing, because it’s one of the few days that doesn’t seem like an utterly futile waste of time. A curse, because I know everything that I am learning right now, I could be learning a thousands times faster on the job, and getting paid for it besides. A blessing, because it helps me keep my sanity in the midst of my non-learning. A curse, because it’s one more day I have to set my alarm, one more day I can’t sleep as much as I want, one more day leaving me just a little less able to handle the emotional load.
I am mad. I am disappointed. I am disgusted. I hate the feeling of judgment every time they hand out another test—another test on irrelevant material. Sometimes I am sad for us all, working so hard at accomplishing nothing. Sometimes I feel like I’m overwhelmed with helplessness. . .how did we get to such a place where we have so much bureaucratic red tape that we have to spend 2 years just to get to the point where we can learn the organic way—on the job. Why do they say we all need to be educated formally first, when they don’t answer the questions, don’t know the answers, don’t explain the nitty-gritty detail or the theories behind what we’re doing. . .When all they do in school is make us toe an invisible line that no one pays any attention to in the real world?
Some teachers are sympathetic. . .but they can’t do anything different, because of the college, because of the accreditation board, because of all of these nameless, faceless people above them on the food chain who have already decreed what is best for us. How did we get here?
I can’t even take the textbooks, teach myself, and take the boards. You aren’t allowed to take the boards until you’ve graduated from an accredited program. How did we get here?
I marvel at the complacency of those around me. . .they too realize that this is busy-work and nonsense, but seem to so easily accept that that’s just the way the world is. It just is. As though they cannot even comprehend of it being different. The world is such a twisted place that people have come to expect it to be that way. They don’t look around at their classmates and hurt, because they know that there are about 1,483 different better ways to learn.
Some of the teachers are rigid. They explain to us how they know how to teach, and this is how we learn. I sit there and think, “Lady, you and I must have totally different definitions for the word ‘teach.'”
Every subconscious hope I’ve held for school has crumbled in this semester.
All that remains is that, if I stick it out to the end, I can take the boards, and then I can participate in real-life. But the here and now is just not worth much, and we all know it.
I’ve dealt with it by trying to do independent research so I can at least learn something. I’ve complained. I’ve occasionally challenged teachers who weren’t earning their paychecks. I’ve ingested quantities of sugar enough to convince some people it’s my form of alcohol. But mostly I’ve become discouraged and frustrated. I feel like I am putting in far more than I am getting out.
The sensible thing to do, then, would be to stop putting so much in. To stop trying so hard. To just make it through and not worry about doing well.
But I can’t shake the feeling that “sensibleness” is the answer to the question I asked earlier. How did we get here? By being sensible. By not trying. By not caring. By just accepting the way things are. By not being angry at people who waste our time. By not challenging people who won’t work. By not refusing to complacently accept whatever was spoon-fed into their mouths. By not making waves and just going along with it all.
So I struggle in between. On one hand, I don’t want the stupidity of this world to drag me down to an emotional break-down. On the other hand, I don’t want to accept the stupidity of this world. It is wrong, and it isn’t okay.
“We have been indoctrinated in political courses, and in just the same way was fostered the idea to live comfortably, and all will be well for the rest of our lives. You can’t escape your environment and social conditions. Everyday life defines consciousness. What does it have to do with us? We can’t do anything about it?
But we can–everything. But we lie to ourselves for assurance. And it is not they who are to blame for everything-we ourselves, only we. One can object: But actually toy can think anything you like. Gags have been stuffed into our mouths. Nobody wants to listen to us and nobody asks us. How can we force them to listen? It is impossible to change their minds. ”
“The circle–is it closed? And is there really no way out? And is there only one thing left for us to do, to wait without taking action? Maybe something will happen by itself?”
“I am in the herd, and a coward. It’s all the same to me as long as I’m fed and warm.”
“So you will not be the first to take this path, but will join those who have already taken it. This path will be easier and shorter for all of us if we take it by mutual efforts and in close rank. If there are thousands of us, they will not be able to do anything with us. If there are tens of thousands of us, then we would not even recognize our country.
If we are too frightened, then we should stop complaining that someone is suffocating us. We ourselves are doing it. let us then bow down even more, let us wail, and out brothers the biologists will help to bring nearer the day when they are able to read our thoughts are worthless and hopeless.
And if we get cold feet, even taking this step, then we are worthless and hopeless, and the scorn of Pushkin should be directed to us:
“Why should cattle have the gifts of freedom?
“Their heritage from generation to generation is the belled yoke and the lash.” ”