Today I am not sticking to the word limit. In case that matters to you.
People have been telling me of late things like “Formalized school is hard to get used to at first, but you will!” and “I felt like that when I started school” and other such well meaning things. I know they are well meaning, but I still think they are misguided. I didn’t feel like this when I first started school. I felt a lot, yes, but not exactly like this. In fact, I didn’t start feeling like this until my grandpa took his turn for the worse. School is icing on the cake; it is not the root of this problem.
When he first got so much worse and I was too busy with school to think about it, my evaluation was “good”.
“Good, I don’t really want to think it anyway.”
“Good, I couldn’t bear it if I spent the whole day thinking about it.”
“Good, this will remind me to keep things in perspective and that life goes on anyway.”
I had no complaints about being too busy to think. I kinda sorta got away with that the week he was dying. But that was week 3 of school, not two or one. By week four, while school was not exactly old hat, it was pretty much expected routine. I was also still so busy I didn’t really have time to think during normal waking hours.
Note the “normal waking hours” part.
I would go to bed exhausted, and my mind would churn and churn and churn. The next day I would feel even more exhausted, and every little facet of life seemed even more overwhelming. Yes, school too, but as an incidental. And again, I would go to bed exhausted, now with a backdrop of an aching head. . .and lie awake with a churning mind. And as soon as I had gotten anywhere remotely near a survivable amount of sleep, I would snap awake to that same unsettled mind. We aren’t even talking about getting caught up with sleep on the weekends—and even if I could sleep in, weekends were so busy there still wasn’t any time to think. During normal waking hours.
On Saturday, it kind of came to a head. I got up at 6:40 so I could be in to work at 8, and I worked until noon. I was so tired that afternoon, I couldn’t think a coherent thought or do even the easiest of homework, or participate in the simplest of decisions. I went to bed for a nap, and slipped to sleep very quickly—only to wake with a snap an hour later, even though no one had called me and no noise had disturbed me.
I didn’t get to bed as early as I would have liked that night–I still felt so tired. But I was in bed by 10 o’clock, even though everyone else was still up playing a board game with the birthday boy. At 1 a.m., I was still awake.
I need time. I need to sit in some quiet still place, and think thoughts while I’m awake—thoughts I don’t really feel like sharing with anyone but me and God. I need to process this the way I process things, slowly and emotionally.
The fact that Grandpa has died is an uncompromising fact. The fact that I need to process that is also an uncompromising fact. By insisting that I could not compromise on what I was spending my hours on during the day, a compromise had to be found somewhere else, and sleep took the hit. This is unpleasant, and inefficient. The only other choice is to find some other area to compromise in.
Naturally, this is the week I have several exams, assignments due, things I must do in order to stay employed, social obligations I got myself into, and the emotional volcano of Grandpa’s memorial (which, just for the record, I would rather have in, say, 6 months or a year or something else. Right now it just feels like salt in the wound and not the slightest bit helpful. I might actually enjoy it a year from now).
So. I don’t want to compromise in sleeping. Or eating. Or my employment. Or my school work. And by ‘social obligations’, I mean, things I gave my word I would do, and I don’t want to compromise and go back on my word. Something, somewhere must give.
Most people by now have probably figured out that I’m talking about this posting deal. I don’t mean quitting, I mean temporary hiatus. I mean, give me a week to collect myself. I will be back next Tuesday, God willing, but I need time, and I have to get it from somewhere. It’s only very tangentially because “school is too much” or “I’m too busy”. Mostly it is, quite bluntly, “for the first time, someone close to me has died and for the most part I haven’t been coping or coming to terms with it as much as I have been trying very hard to ignore it, and I am paying hand over fist for that.” And I’m not going to quit paying for it until I quit ignoring it. But in order to stop ignoring it, I need time; and I’m getting that time from here. (I have no delusions this will only take a week, but next week I have less responsibilities, and hopefully will not need to continue sacrificing this blog upon that altar; time will tell.)
If you have time, please pray for me. I will take whatever I can get—for sleep, for ability to do school work, for clarity in thought, for patience and love when I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, for perspective, for deliverance from self-pity, for making it through this difficult week alive and relatively sane—but most of all, that I would come to better know Him, understand Him, and draw closer to Him.
See y’all next week.